Time to write
There never seems to be any time to write but I'm having another go. It was 5 months yesterday since Joe died. In some ways it is hitting us just as hard as it did in the beginning. The longer it goes on, the longer you realise it isn't going to change. I know that's obvious; but knowing it intellectually and 'knowing it' emotionally are two very different things.
A couple of days ago I was thinking about the kind of things my family have been through in the last few years. In fact if you look over the decades we have had some very tough times. My sister, Tracey, who was killed by a car, my brother Michael, who died of a cot death at 11 weeks. Then there was some other pretty crappy stuff in the intervening years. 4 years ago my ex, Steve, the children's father, died of a heart attack in front of us all. We found him collapsed and close to death in the front garden of our house. Anna tried to save him but it was too late. Watching their father die in front of them is not something children so young should have to do. Beth, his youngest was only 15 at the time, Robbie was 19 and Tracey 22. It was also distressing for Joe who was only 13. My brother Malcolm had just been diagnosed with the cancer that was to kill him in April this year and then the so unexpected death of Joe this year. Just writing it down it seems a lot. It also feels a bit self indulgent. I am aware that other families go through this and more. But this blog is, to some degree, meant to be a cathartic experience so forgive me.
In the last blog I had got to the point where Joe was on the high dependency unit and struggling to breathe. They put him on a mask to try and improve his oxygen saturation as this was very low. At this point we didn't know how low; though I did hear a consultant at handover describing him as 'massively hypoxic'. He seemed much less distressed though and seemed to be breathing more easily. We spent the afternoon with him and he did some messages to his friends and even tweeted. With a request that he tried to sleep and please 'don't scare us again' we left to go home and pick up some clothes. The intention was to come back the next day and stay in Leeds until he was fully better. I guess we just thought he had an infection. He was on antibiotics and we assumed it had been a bit of a hiccup...
A couple of days ago I was thinking about the kind of things my family have been through in the last few years. In fact if you look over the decades we have had some very tough times. My sister, Tracey, who was killed by a car, my brother Michael, who died of a cot death at 11 weeks. Then there was some other pretty crappy stuff in the intervening years. 4 years ago my ex, Steve, the children's father, died of a heart attack in front of us all. We found him collapsed and close to death in the front garden of our house. Anna tried to save him but it was too late. Watching their father die in front of them is not something children so young should have to do. Beth, his youngest was only 15 at the time, Robbie was 19 and Tracey 22. It was also distressing for Joe who was only 13. My brother Malcolm had just been diagnosed with the cancer that was to kill him in April this year and then the so unexpected death of Joe this year. Just writing it down it seems a lot. It also feels a bit self indulgent. I am aware that other families go through this and more. But this blog is, to some degree, meant to be a cathartic experience so forgive me.
In the last blog I had got to the point where Joe was on the high dependency unit and struggling to breathe. They put him on a mask to try and improve his oxygen saturation as this was very low. At this point we didn't know how low; though I did hear a consultant at handover describing him as 'massively hypoxic'. He seemed much less distressed though and seemed to be breathing more easily. We spent the afternoon with him and he did some messages to his friends and even tweeted. With a request that he tried to sleep and please 'don't scare us again' we left to go home and pick up some clothes. The intention was to come back the next day and stay in Leeds until he was fully better. I guess we just thought he had an infection. He was on antibiotics and we assumed it had been a bit of a hiccup...
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