Remembering the knowing

Thinking a lot about Joe today. Officially the anniversary of his death is tomorrow but the reality is that it was tonight, 4 years ago when he died

I remember waiting for what seem like forever to go down and see him. Every time we asked about going down they said the doctors were doing something, they wouldn't be long, so we continued to wait.  Then,  I remember the doctor rushing into the waiting room looking slightly disheveled and saying 'his heart just stopped, we got him back. Do you want to be with him?' When we got to Joe's bed, Anna 's legs gave way and I remember saying, 'he's back, he's back',  because I could see from the monitors that he had a heartbeat. 

Whatever I said to Anna at that point, we both knew we were clinging on to the very last vestiges of hope to talk about Joe being back. He still had a beating heart and he was still breathing but we knew he wasn't with us any more. Over the last four years we have thought about that moment so many times. Tonight we talked about remembering the knowing. Knowing that we had no hope left. Knowing that he was never going to come through this. Knowing that the unsaid was going to be spoken out loud very soon and knowing that somehow we were going to have to find the courage to face it. 

We remember you every day,  Joe. Often, these days we remember the good things, the fun times and the everyday life we shared. Today we remember the night you left us. We miss you.


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