Talking about health anxiety

An update with the Coronavirus in mind.

I am aware that there will be a lot of people very fearful right now because of this awful virus that is sweeping the world so I thought it was worth updating this blog a little.


I suffer from anxiety, both GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) and Health Anxiety, and I have in the past suffered with depression. All three are inextricably linked. I have had the panic disorder and depression pretty much in control over the last few years though my health anxiety not so much, that tends to flare up quite regularly. In recent weeks it has bubbled over to the extent where I have pretty much suffered a melt down. And the reason for this is this bloody virus. I think most people, if they have any sense, are worried about Covid 19. If you have health anxiety it's a waking nightmare. When you have health anxiety you don't thnk you're going to get ill, you know it. When you have a flare up rational thought goes out of the window and you have a sense of fear in the pit of your stomach that just doesn't go away. It's the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing before you sleep. That is if you can sleep for the swirl of thoughts tormenting you.

I rarely talk about this to anyone outside my close family and I am pretty good at keeping it locked down in front of others. Those who know me superfically would probably have absolutely no idea as I appear a very confident person with few worries. Mostly I like to keep it that way, but I thought speaking out might help my fellow sufferers who I know will be suffering much like me at this time.

Mental health problems are so often difficult to talk about.  As I said, it isn't something I usually discuss, not even in passing; as you would if you had a physical illness.  I also have Fibromyalgia and most people know about that. Not many people know about the health anxiety though - that's not something that trips off the tongue.

It might be difficult to talk about because mental ill health is not always taken seriously, especially health anxiety, which is often the butt of  jokes as 'hypochondria'. Usually because people who do not suffer from this condition have absolutely no idea of the abject misery it causes. When it's not taken seriously it can often make people feel vulnerable and dismissed, when already not emotionally robust. It most certainly makes you loath to discuss it.

The problem with having a mental illness is you can't see it or touch it and lots of people don't understand it. Though having said that, you can't see headaches either but no one disputes they are real.

Is it not easy to talk about because more women than men are diagnosed with mental illness and thus it's not seen as significant ... ? Okay, can't go there as that's a massive subject on its own.

Is it because people really seem to think you can just shake yourself up and get over it? Because some think that depression is just someone feeling a bit low, or anxiety someone feeling a bit worried? Is it because we have been socialised into thinking we SHOULD be able to get over this?

Is it because mental illness carries a stigma, is seen as a weakness,  is ridiculed by people who use terms such as nutters, barking mad, loonies? Or is it because on the rare occasion when someone with a severe mental illness commits an act of violence it's all over the media. and we don't want people to think of us in that way?

Maybe it's a combination of all of these factors that stops us talking about it? Whatever it is, we shouldn't let it stop us talking. If we speak out then other people know they are not alone and that really matters.

So, for all those people who suffer with anxiety I wanted to talk about it a little.

Full blown panic attacks are rare now but when I do get them it feels like I'm dying. My heart races, I feel like I can't breathe and I shake. I get hot and sweaty and I pace because I am so scared that I can't sit still. These attacks can come out of the blue;  I can even wake up during the night with them, though that is rare. Whenever they happen they are absolutely terrifying.  In addition to these episodes I also wake up  during the night with a sense of impending doom,  a feeling that something awful is going to happen to me or one of my family.  Other times I just feel generally anxious, I am fidgety and can't concentrate , my head is fizzing with too many thoughts and I feel as if I am on the edge of breaking down. I can't relax, I can't concentrate and I can't sit still. The panic attacks and overall state of feeling  a bit wired are typical of generalised anxiety and are very hard to control. It can also take over your life. I have suffered from anxiety and panic since I was 18 years old and when I was first ill I was terrified of leaving the house in case I had a full blown panic attack whilst I was out. Thankfully for me I was able to overcome that, not everyone is able to do so.

The health anxiety is different, though linked. My health anxiety is a deep seated fear of developing a serious illness, usually cancer. It's being unable to approach normal aches and pains with a rational response and being unable to control the fear that I will develop cancer or something else life threatening. If I get a mouth ulcer I immediately think it's the start of oral cancer, if I get an upset stomach it's stomach cancer, if I get acid reflux it's oesophageal cancer. Often this isn't a passing thought either, it's there when I wake up and there when I go to bed. I can obsess about it for months, sometimes years. I am well aware that this sounds crazy to anyone who doesn't suffer health anxiety but believe me when I tell you it is absolutely miserable when you are in the middle of it. You can't forget it, you can't snap out of it and it colours every hour of every day when you are going through it.

This anxiety is complicated by the fact that I have health conditions anyway and these can get mixed up with it. I have a type of arrhythmia called Supra Ventricular Tachycardia, a leaky aortic valve and I also have Fibromyalgia.

I don't know for sure why I developed both GAD and health anxiety, but it's probably a lot to do with a history of loss within the family.  Briefly, when I was 5 years old my baby brother, Michael, died of cot death at 11 weeks.  I still remember being told and not understanding why he wasn't coming back. A few years later, when I was 13,  my sister, Tracey, was killed by a car at the age of 6. My maternal grandparents died in their early 60s of lung cancer and my paternal grandfather died at around 60 of a heart attack, these deaths were all within a 10 year span. My grandmother died of oesophageal cancer at 77 and my mother died at 53 of a heart attack.  This happened before I was 30.

In 2008 my children's father and very good friend/ex husband suffered a heart attack in front of me, my partner and our 4 children. Though my partner battled to save him for 15 minutes before the ambulance finally arrived he sadly died in front of us at only 59.  The trauma of that stays with us today. In 2012 we faced further horror when my 17 year old stepson Joe went into kidney failure due to Alport's Syndrome and needed a kidney transplant. Two days after a successful operation he had an adverse reaction to the anti-rejection drug given in theatre and was taken to intensive care unable to breathe because his lungs were haemorrhaging. Five weeks after that he died. One month after Joe died, my brother died of the oesophageal cancer he had been suffering from for 4 years.

That potted history takes into account only the most significant losses and you can add to that my 3 miscarriages, a couple of health scares, one of which was pre-cancer- and all the other life stuff we all go through. The list isn't me saying  'poor me',  as I know others go through similar and more.  but it seems to me it's probably a contributory factor at the very least. I don't know why others go through  tragedy and don't develop this kind of anxiety,  but I believe that my experiences have taught me from a young age that tragedy is just around the corner. I am hardwired to expect death and dying and so I am on high alert constantly. Knowing this, you would think I would be able to rationalise my fears, but that's the thing with mental ill health of this nature, however hard you try, rational thought goes out of the window.

Now with Covid 19 there are several extra elements. The news is full of it,  there is no escape and thousands of people are dying, so the fear of it seems to be perfect rational. For us, the way they are dying brings back so many awful memories. Joe died after being intubated and put on a ventilator for 5 weeks. We have seen what happens when your lungs fill up with fluid - in his case it was his own blood. We know how dangerous it is just putting someone on a ventilator and we know the damage they can do even if you do survive. Right now I am terrified that this is going to happen to another one of our children, one of us, or someone else close to us.

For anyone reading this who has suffered or is suffering in a similar way, your anxiety might not be exactly the same; it might have different causes and it might affect you in a different way. Whatever it is and however it manifests, I know it will be frightening and sometimes utterly debilitating.  I know that sometimes you think you are the only person who feels like this and that other people will think you are bonkers if you tell them how you feel.  I wanted to say you are not. I understand and I feel like it too and maybe just speaking out and saying you're not on your own will help.